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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!
Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, "I'll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't allow animals in here."
The dog replies, "Hey, I'm tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink."
The bartender says, "Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!"
"No, no, no, this isn't a trick, I promise you," says the man, "I tell you what, I'll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here." The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.
"Now, can I have my drink." says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. "Sure you can and it's on the house! Listen, can you do me a favour? My wife works next door at the cafe. It'll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here's ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards."
"Okay." says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.
Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn't come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.
The owner shouts, "Rover! What are you doing! You've never done this before!"
The dog shrugged. "Hell, I've never had any money before."

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that." the man replied, "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener."
The man was really sobbing now, "I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison..."

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...."
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk again!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm so thirsty I could like the sweat off a cow's balls."
A guy in the corner says "Moo!"

Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shit faced?"

A baby seal walks into a club...

What do you call a basement full of women?
A whine cellar!

Two gays walking past the funeral parlour, one says, "fancy popping in and sucking down a couple of cold ones?"

A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says "two pints please, one for me and one for the road."

Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them and says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."

A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender "Hey, there's no atmosphere in here!"

Four gays in the bar and there's only one stool. What do they do? Turn it over!

There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the bathroom.
An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. Upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off.
To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a CYCLE-PATH!"

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?"
The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."

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