Office Humor
A
substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees
a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole
damn school!"
She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"
This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."
"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!
The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up
at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."
Steve,
Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly,
Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves
with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to
have to tell Steve's wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive
stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you
tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What?" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave
you a six-pack?"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are
you Steve's widow?'" "'Widow?'" she said, "'no, no, you're mistaken,
I'm not a widow!' " So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front
porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she
replied "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found
out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned
to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think
you're going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" She asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!
The
population of this America is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This
leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the
work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just
sitting there reading jokes all day!
Top
ten excuses for falling asleep at your desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning
a new paradigm!"
"Amen"
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last
time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution
to our biggest problem."
Things
to do to liven up a meeting...
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real'
reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and
sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at
least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like
you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them
for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone.
Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the
speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly dressed young woman with an infant quietly
enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while,
burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult
points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your
feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the
way I see it, J.B..." (Or any other impressive-sounding initials that
are not actually your boss's.)
Complain loudly that your neighbour won't stop touching you. Demand
that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible,
include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every
time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts.
Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say
"uh-huh, uh-huh!"
Question:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Buddha:
asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!
Anderson
Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant
market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to
create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive
market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM),
Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge,
capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of
road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with
deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both
tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other
in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across
the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held
in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment
which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission,
vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of
a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the
chicken change to become more successful.
