Lawyer Jokes
Joe
the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven,
and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for
you."
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm
only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After
a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are
82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have
to be 82..."
A
lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble
in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer
said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to
sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," said the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for
forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the
night.
Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door,
there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There
is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes late
the same scene re-occurs.
There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.
The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for you helping us out
but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered
sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that leaves only the lawyer
to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the
barn.
Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated
and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the
cow.
A
New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check
this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this
was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough
to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave
a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after
a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A
man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly
ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper
came up to him and began to speak. "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your interest in the statue. It's only five dollars, sir, but the story
behind it will cost you fifty."
The man turned back around and looked in shock. "Let me get this straight.
If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I'll be paying fifty-five
dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I'll only pay
five?" The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain
he'd got, the man quickly paid and walked out of the store.
A few moments later, he noticed that a lone rat was following him. He
shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping it would leave. When he looked
back again, some five minutes later, he saw that the number of rodents
had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned back to his
path and continued walking. When he looked around the third time, he
saw thousands of rats following him. Horribly frightened, the man rushed
to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw the statue as far out to sea
as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue, sinking into the
waves like stones.
The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in
shock. When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little
chuckle. He had a smug grin on his face as he said, "I expect you've
come back to buy the story." The shopkeeper held out his hand for the
fifty dollars.
The customer looked confused for a second, then said. "Hell no! I wanna
know if you've got a statue of a lawyer!"
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker
to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and
a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried
under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:
He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Not
jokes, but amazingly real extracts from American courtrooms...
"Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
"Did he kill you?"
"Doctor,
how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
"You were there until the time you left, is that
true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by whose death was it terminated?"
"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male, or a female?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"Are
you married? "
"No, I'm divorced."
"And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
"A lot of things I didn't know about."
"Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No. This is how I dress when I go to work."
"Now,
you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?"
"Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?"
"No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
"Could you see him from where you were standing?
"
"I could see his head."
"And where was his head?"
"Just above his shoulders."
"...any
suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead
of an attempted murder trial?"
"The victim lived."
"What happened then?"
"He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
"Did he kill you?"
"No."
