Adult Jokes
A
ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your
horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat
you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me
out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master
treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball
with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom
making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window.
As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my
vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained
the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But
I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband
being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method
to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top
of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee
getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee
should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband
nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the
doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it
into the young lady's vagina.
After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee
has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the
doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting
the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with
excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself,
he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making
loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed
and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna
drown the bastard!"
A
travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed
a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner
he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk
that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for
$1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three
days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."
Mr.
Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When
leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down
and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his
secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you
saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier
standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was
a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
A
Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He
goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves.
After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?" The koala bear shrugs his shoulders.
The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his
shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker
and shows it to the koala bear. It says gets paid for sex.
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows
it to the hooker. It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"
A
guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator. The bartender says,
"What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't
allow pets in my establishment".
The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well
trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on
the bar and says, "open". The alligator open its mouth and you can see
all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds
to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto
the alligator's teeth. He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it.
All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens.
After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it
back into his pants. He then says, "close" and the alligator closes
its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody.
Does anyone want to try?"
After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table
say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open
that long."
A
blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty
fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just
happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings
him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry,
I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again
retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another
deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni
and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the
owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his
wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around
your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands
her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the
fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A man was approached by a colleague at lunch who
invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife
would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with
the guys after work. The colleague suggested a way to overcome that
problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down
under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her
oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you
were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late
that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently
slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and
groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had
to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and
walked down the hall to the bathroom.
When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his
wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhh!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
