couple in the middle of a messy divorce case find themselves in court
battling over custody of little Johnny, their only child. In order to
make a fair decision over the boys future, the Judge takes Johnny into
his private chambers so that he can find out which of the parents the
boy would prefer to live with.
"Well, Johnny" says the Judge, "Would you like to live with your Mother?"
"No" replied Johnny, "she hits me all the time"
"Well then," the Judge continues, "Would you like to live your Father?"
"No" replied Johnny again, "He hits me all the time too!"
The Judge looks exasperated and says to the boy "Well Johnny, who would
you like to live with?"
"I'd like to live with Bradford City Football Club" the boy replied
"Why on earth would you want to live with the Bradford City Football
Club?" replied the now extremely puzzled Judge.
"Well" replied Johnny "They never beat anyone"
is sat in his study and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly
he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda.
When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest
Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the
magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your
question once and for all"
About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back
back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.
"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Iain Dowie?"
is appearing on the television quiz show 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.
He has already reached the £64,000 mark but he only has one lifeline
left which is to phone a friend.
"You've done really well to get this far Pat" the quiz-master says,
"the next question is worth £125,000 if you decide to play. Are you
"Sure" Pat nods.
"On screen is a photograph of a current Manchester United player as
a small baby." the quiz-master continues, "The question is Pat, and
don't forget this is for £125,000, which player is it?"
Pat looks at the picture on screen for a while and says "I'm pretty
sure it's David Beckham... No, I'm sure it is... Can I phone a friend
just to check?"
"OK" the quiz-master asks, "Who are going to phone?" Pat answers and
pretty soon the phone is ringing and his best friend Mick picks up at
the other end. The quiz-master explains the situation to Mick and Pat
asks him the same question.
Without any hesitation Mick replies "No, that's definitely Peter Schmeichel"
Pat looks concerned now "Are you sure Mick, I'm convinced that it's
"Definitely" Mick replies.
"Well" the quizmaster continues, "You've used your lifeline, now I need
"OK" says Pat, looking nervous now, "But I'm sure it's David Beckham,
that's my final answer... David Beckham."
"You had £64,000 Pat, If you're right you win £125,000, if you're wrong
you leave us with the money you've got so far..."
There's a tense drum roll and the music dips before the quiz-master
speaks again "Sorry Pat, you were wrong. Never mind, you've been a great
contestant and you've won £64,000. Here's your cheque and thanks for
As the audience start to applaud Pat asks, "What was the correct answer,
it's killing me!"
The quiz-master replies, "Andy Cole."
builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately
the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a
shot would shout 'Shit, missed'.
The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest
could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his
friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game
As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted, "Shit, missed."
and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three
The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said, "I must
insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear
you and punish you!" Once again, his pleas made no difference as the
builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out
"Shit, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning
flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.
Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "Shit, missed!"
guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if
he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.
"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They
were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow
on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in
the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered
in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want
to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain
it 5 times."
man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day
a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at
the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it
been since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket
on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket
on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him.
He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!" Then she
starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet
suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in
guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, and figuring the wind direction
and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner
says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting
her from here!"